Kim Von Berg

If You & Your Spouse Are Considering Divorce, Maybe It’s Time to Recouple Consciously

You’ve tried everything to fix your marriage. You’ve gone to marriage counselors, taken relationship workshops, gone on expensive vacations together, and done individual therapy ad nauseum. And the disconnect is still there. The same old arguments still break out. The withholding still occurs. And the nagging feeling that this is just not working still eats at your heart with unrelenting persistence. You are not alone. Around 50% of marriages end in divorce – and remarriages are even more prone to divorce. (The 2nd & 3rd marriage has a divorce rate of 67% & 73% respectively.) And, some studies suggest that up to 75% of existing marriages are “ambivalent,” meaning they contain varying levels of positivity and negativity. People in ambivalent marriages report “lower levels of spousal responsiveness and disclosure, self-disclosure, and intimacy,” and studies predict that most ambivalent marriages will end in divorce within seven years of marriage.

However, there is actually a significant segment of those marriages heading to “the cliff of no return” but neither in the relationship are overtly reprehensible people – and there is still a palpable love between the two. They each have a gut knowing that, if things were different in the dynamics of the relationship, they would still choose to be with this partner. If you and your partner are part of this segment, then I have excellent news for you. There is a process to uncouple from the old dynamics that have defined the untenable relationship – and RECOUPLE in wholesome, healthy, and conscious ways to create a new more evolved partnership! Read on to learn all about this process called Conscious Recoupling. This will require each of you to be willing to graduate from the old self who played a part in bringing about the unworkable relationship as it has been – and step into who you would need to be to co-create a new loving, respectful, and healthy relationship with your spouse.

What is the root of most challenges in a marriage?

We think we’ve gotten to this place of complete breakdown in our marriage because of our differences, our opposing attachment styles, our mismatched sexual drives, our opposite ways of handling money – and the list goes on in what we may be in conflict around. But really, the root of most of these challenges comes down to who we are in the relationship, particularly when we get triggered. When we do, we allow ourselves to be hijacked into a younger, less sophisticated part of ourselves – and end up projecting onto our spouse something that may not even be true. And vice versa. This will entrench the breakdowns, particularly when your partner is also triggered and is showing up from a wounded or immature place.

All of us tend to live inside a story that shows up with a different name, a different face, or different circumstances, but the same dynamics over and over again – particularly in our intimate relationships. (Katherine Woodward Thomas calls this our “source fracture story” in her book, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After.) The more we can see ourselves as the source of this story, the more we can step into our power to create something completely different. And this is true not only within our committed relationships but really, in all areas of our lives.

Our story stems from our beliefs about our own selves – really, at its core, what our self-identity is around love, connection – and life itself. It’s just human nature that we adopt false identities about ourselves early on in our childhoods to give meaning to how others had treated us around love (or lack thereof). Often, because we are at an immature level of development, we make these disappointing experiences out to mean something damaging about our own selves – for example, “I don’t matter,” “I’m not safe in love,” “I am unworthy,” “I’m unlovable” or “I’ll never be good enough.”

And this gets buried deep in our psyches but will manifest itself in our adult lives, especially in our love lives. And alas, our partners – and life itself – will always mirror back to us what we believe about ourselves, others, and life itself. When you have two people in a relationship responding from these immature false identities, this will invariably lead to breakdowns and impasses – and eventually, a breakup.

So, the Conscious Recoupling work involves getting to the core to realize what these buried false beliefs and identities are – and revealing how erroneous each of them is – and then, discovering what IS REALLY TRUE.

And, once we have discovered our real truth, the Conscious Recoupling program will guide the two of you to learn how to relate and respond to one another from the truth of who each of you is. You’ll learn how to access your loving wise mature self even when you are triggered! This is the essence of what will help the two of you to recreate your partnership. And, this is exactly what the Conscious Recoupling program – based upon the eBook, Conscious Recoupling, will guide you on how to do!  And so much more.

What exactly is Conscious Recoupling?

Conscious Recoupling was co-written by New York Times Bestselling author, Katherine Woodward Thomas, and relationship expert & Certified Conscious Uncoupling Coach, Kim Von Berg, to offer couples a profound way to transform both their relationships and who each of you has been in the old relationship. (The program also incorporates the practices and steps of Katherine’s bestseller, Conscious Uncoupling to help you learn how to uncouple from the old dynamics that have historically defined your relationship and brought you to the brink of a breakup.)

In addition, Conscious Recoupling presents the 7 Principles of Radical Relationship Repair and Recovery to guide you two in this process of recreation of yourselves and the relationship. The growth initiated by each of these principles is the growth you’ll need to evolve your connection to its new level of love, safety, and wellness. Some of the growth will involve both of you recognizing the missing development due to living inside your false identities for so much of your adult lives – and setting about developing the skills and capacities necessary to live from the truth of who you really are and be able to create a thriving loving long-lasting relationship. From here, you will be ready to come together to create a joyful partnership of the highest mutual vision of love, connection, and joy.

This may sound theoretical and too good to be true, so I received permission from a couple whom I’ve taken through Conscious Recoupling to recount their story and demonstrate how their practicing this revolutionary work has completely transformed themselves and their relationship. I will change their names to Martin & Jackie.

What does it look like when a couple goes through the Conscious Recoupling Program?

Martin & Jackie approached me about doing the Conscious Recoupling program after Jackie had asked Martin for a divorce, and then, Martin found my program online – and she agreed that they should give this a chance before signing the divorce papers. They began the program in earnest, although it soon became apparent where their challenges were. Jackie had an enormous amount of resentment toward Martin for not giving her the attention and love she needed – claiming that Martin seemed to be constantly overcommitted either with his job or with his volunteer work with several local organizations – never having enough time for their relationship. And, Martin felt misjudged and claimed that he had to mindread Jackie to know what she wants since she rarely was overt about what her desires or needs were. He never felt like he could ever do anything right for her.

We began by helping them to create a beautiful vision of the partnership both would love to experience together – and from this place, set an intention to create this together. The more I guided them to dive into the program as well as having each of them to do the steps of Conscious Uncoupling, Jackie discovered that she had a false identity of “I’m invisible,” and Martin realized his was “I’m not good enough.”

They began to realize how so much of how they related to one another was inside of these source fracture stories!  For example, Martin started to see how he was driven by the need to receive lots of validation for being enough – and really did overcommit himself in two many projects and with numerous people, neglecting the relationship with himself and Jackie. In truth, he really wanted more quality time with Jackie. And Jackie realized that she rarely expressed what she wanted to Martin – and blamed him for not meeting her needs when he didn’t really know what they were. And, this came out as resentment and criticism – pushing Martin away.

The remaining Conscious Recoupling sessions were filled with many discoveries of how they could relate to each other as their true selves. Jackie’s truth was now that she was meant to be visible and to have a great impact on the world – and it was her job to make herself seen. And, Martin now was committed to his truth that he is more than enough – and others value him to the extent that he values himself. Of course, it became apparent that each would need to develop new capacities and learn new skills to be able to live in this place – and make the intention for their partnership that they had set at the beginning of the program a reality. Some of the sessions were tough because they needed to voice the resentments and old hurts from the past and make amends to one another for behavior that came from a very wounded place – and learn tools to manage when each got triggered in the future.

Martin & Jackie completed the program by making new agreements to one another in their new relationship – and even made plans for a Conscious Recoupling Ceremony they were going to have with friends & family to celebrate the new relationship they both were standing to create going forward.

Martin & Jackie have transformed themselves AND their partnership

Recently, I checked in with Martin & Jackie – and they were doing immensely well!  Martin had decided to leave his demanding corporate job, and the two of them mutually decided to join forces and start their own nonprofit organization that helped raise funds for local farmers to be able to convert their farms to eco-friendly ones that use regenerative farming practices. And, they were exploring deepening their intimacy by working with a tantra instructor privately. They were ecstatically happy about their lives and their relationship, declaring that the Conscious Recoupling program dramatically turned around everything for them. They were living a life of purpose and deep connection that they never knew was possible prior to doing this work.

This is Possible for YOU!

It may seem like your relationship is a lost cause, particularly if you’ve reached out to get help – and yet, the troubles you two have in your relationship continue to rear their ugly heads. Just know that so much of what help is out there does not address the root cause of these troubles. If both of you are willing to look deeply into the source of your challenges – and allow yourselves to be transformed by this process, you truly can recreate the relationship into one that makes your hearts sing with joy – and the love and connection with one another to blossom.

Conscious Recoupling can help each of you to step into full ownership of your capacity to create your experience from the level of self-identity. You each can go about the business of living from your empowered place to relate to each other from your full truth and take on developing the skills and capacities you might need to be able to recreate the relationship anew. Allow yourself to imagine what that beautiful joyful intimate partnership could be if the two of you were to embark on such a transformational journey!

I stand for you and your partner to recreate yourselves and the partnership into one that is rich, beautiful, and long-lasting – and brings out the greatest in each of you!


                                                                © 2024 Thriving Loving Relationships / Kim Von Berg                                                          ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If You Want to Take This Work Further…

If you’d like to read the Conscious Recoupling eBook, we’re offering complimentary access at:

And, if you’d like to find out more about Kim Von Berg’s Conscious Recoupling program, here is more information:  (On this page, you can schedule a free consultation with Kim to explore if this is the right program for you two!)

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